Bergensbart – handlebar heaven

There is a certain part of Norway commonly referred to as “bartebyen” — moustache city — namely Trondheim. Facial hair pride worn in other parts of our long-stretched country is thus often ridiculed and one’s link to Trondheim loudly discussed. While Trondheim is a fine city with fine people, the phrase “from Trondheim, eh?” is not what a proud, moustachioed citizen of Bergen prefers to hear … Not while we for decades never have ceased making fun of their various nose appendixes.

And yes, they do know their way around a handlebar up in Trondheim. A great wax for some moustaches, Skippy’s, is being made there. If Skippy’s not your choice, chances are you’re in need of the type more resembling glue, the Ungarische Bartwichse. Or maybe something else …

So, what’s the problem? Well, Skippy’s not only costly, it’s from Trondheim. I’m from Bergen. Bergen, as any other great city, has a hairy upper lip past. Problem is the year’s not 1910 anymore and most of us aren’t army officers … And some might claim you need either be Freddie Mercury or from India to sport one (a moustache, that is, not an army officer). In Trondheim, on the other hand, time has stood still, and has added a leather vest to go.

Peddler’s delight.

We’ll leave the vest — but it’s time for time-travel. It’s due time for the bergensbart — the Bergen Moustache — to re-surface … Party like it’s 1909!

And if you pay attention, you too can make your very own custom wind- and waterproof moustache wax.

The round tins’ll do. Flowery ornaments are no-go…

First and foremost, you’ll need a sensitive scale. The kind dope peddlers would prefer is just about right. When you experiment, the “,00” part of the scale become important. Mine I bought for next to nothing & free shipping from China. Make sure it’s calibrated and with no cocaine residue. Add or subtract material off the scale – you can use a piece of paper or a tin while hitting tare (zeroing the scale) before adding the next ingredient.

Oh, and by the way: here’s a delicious, discreet and nifty desktop wallpaper,  work safe et al. It has my re-work of the “YOU”-poster (both hands on the handlebar, por favor!), complete with the words “Bart føre”; a word play on “bart” (‘stache) and “bart føre”, meaning “no snow”.

Secondly you’ll need the ingredients:

• Bees wax come in square sheets, from hobby or art shops.
• Vaseline, either white or yellow from pharmacies or hobby shops.
• Shoe shine, black or white. Seriously: Got a grey beard? Blacken it. White beard? Add some white shoe shine to the wax to make it less yellow. You wouldn’t want that. Look at Einstein*!
• Oils for that perfumed experience — mind you, it’s under your nose, all day!
• Secret ingredient. It’s what makes your wax superior to any other wax. Can be anything — it doesn’t matter. Never trust a sales person; lesson learned.

Other handy items would be a low-rimmed porcelain cup, a microwave oven, tissue paper, something to stir with — and some small containers, both for samples and for the finished product. Difficult to find, those.

Now, have a look at the calendar, and decide if either summer or winter is ahead. You don’t want you pride and joy to melt in the summer heat, and during the winter months it’s nice to be able to actually apply the wax in the first place. I prefer one wax for winter use, and likewise a version for summer. Humidity and temperature alone shouldn’t make your day a bad moustache day. And believe me, those days do exist.

Here’s the simple formula to get you started on the stairway to handlebar heaven:

• • • 3 parts bees wax
    • 2 part vaseline
    • That’s about it*

*Oils and extras to smoothen or to turn everything into glue at own free will. Bees wax alone is too crumbly to be usable. The idea is to have the vaseline smoothen the mixture, whilst not lessen the hold. Start with this formula, and find your own recipee. Melt the beeswax in the microwave, and add vaseline with an eye on weight. Less vaseline for stronger hold. Keep notes, and you’ll be able to repeat what you’ve done!

Let it cool, and try it out.

My own wax is, of course, from my own secret variation of the recipee — but you’ll get close, trust me.

Tip: Press your finger firmly into the wax, and the force will make enough wax “melt” and stick to your finger. Lightly tap & shape each moustace end with wax, and let dry. When you’re happy with the shape, deal with any stray hair.

Face the world.

*Einstein was not a handsome fellow
nobody ever called him Al
He had a long moustache to pull on
it was yellow
I don’t believe he ever had a girl
One thing he missed out in his theory
of time and space and relativity
Is something that makes it very clear he
was never gonna score like you and me
He didn’t know about
Quark, strangeness and charm

R. Calvert